Being with Samsul Anam has been quite the roller coaster ride.
We have been through the happy times and still are but just a little bit more on the downside.
All is not rosy has ended and thank goodness he brought me back to earth.
Hearts are no longer flying around but my heart still flutter each time he texts, calls, etc.

I miss him dearly that sometimes I cry just thinking about when I will be with him.

Nobody said that long distance is easy.
I know for sure is that this is only the beginning.
I have made my decision to be with him after we are married.

Yes, moving in with him in Indonesia.

He has agreed that we will stay in Bali where there is still network for videocalls that I can make whenever I miss my family and friends.

Ultimately, I just want a simple life.

I am effing tired of the rat race that I have to face in Singapore.

I want life like how I did growing up - play freely, neighbours caring for each other, door to door food selling (oh the nasi lemak was so good).. Good old days that Singapore has lost. Now everything is small, cramp, 3 to 5 times more expensive. For example flats now are freaking small in Singapore.

I was more assured that I want to leave Singapore when I saw how free living in a village is. Yes, nothing luxurious and/or convenience. But the peace you get is priceless.

Why are people chasing for material shit in Singapore?
What do we get from there?
Tonnes of money, wealth, status, drive a BMW, stay in a condo?
None of those give satisfaction nor inner peace.
A car in Singapore is a freaking liability.
A condo is as big as a flat in Singapore.
Wealth and status will attract you insincere people.

Am I latching on my boyfriend for happiness because he has what I want? No.
I love him for who he is.

I have been a lover of simplicity and non-follower of trends.

Singapore cannot offer me that.

Happy 52nd Birthday, Singapore.
I hope Singapore can maju in many good ways in years to come.

Salud!

I have found the one

June now..

June now..

June now..

3 months with no updates..

Have I found inner peace?

Well.. Probably not yet.

But I found the one.
I am saying that he is the one because I pray a lot that I will end up with him till Jannah.

Samsul Anam is the man.
He has been nothing but loving, sweet, accommodating to me, correcting as we go along and giving me the Queen treatment.

Are we similar?

Our hearts connect.
Our minds connect.
Our interests and characters compliments each other.

And that is the reason why I am loving him even more.

Because of my condition (no, it is no longer serious), I am picking up his enthusiasm, vibe and positivity in how he manages and sees things.

He is officially my pillar of strength.

And every couple has their ups and downs.
No we don't have many downs, just one or two so far.
But he manages it well.

For this man is uber serious in "happily ever after", he has my heart.

I love him to bits.

Will he be my inner peace?

No, because inner peace can only be obtain by oneself.

For now, Alhamdulillah, I am happy.
And in this month of Ramadhan, I pray that Allah eases our path and bless us to be halal.

InsyaAllah, Amin Allahumma Amin.

Aisah

I told myself that I should write once a month.

Baaahhh~ It's March 2015 now.

And for the past few months, what have I been feeling?
Love.

Love, amongst the many meanings in Collins online dictionary, is:
1. (transitive verb) to have a great attachment to and affection for
2. (transitive verb) to have passionate desire, longing, and feelings for
3. (transitive verb) to like and desire  (to do something) very much
4. (transitive verb) to make love to
5. (intransitive verb) to be in love
6. (noun) a. an intense emotion of affection, warmth, fondness, and regard towards a person or thing
6. (noun) b. (as modifier) j love song, love story
7. a deep feeling of sexual attraction and desire
8. wholehearted liking for or pleasure n something
(above are extracted from http://www.collinsdictionary.com/dictionary/english/love?showCookiePolicy=true)

I would say,"an intense emotion of affection, warmth, fondness, and regard towards a person or thing" would be appropriate, at least from my perspective. Intense is subjective and I'd say that it is unnecessary. The ultimate intense love we have should be intended only for Allah, Our Merciful Creator. I mentioned previously that letting go is part of attaining inner peace, and I am getting better at letting go now (hurrah!).

Letting go has always been one of my major (unsettled) issues and so I pondered how do I start to willingly and calmly let go of anything that is "toxic" to me? Since this post is retrospect of my thoughts, I practiced to see how I can manage myself.

I contacted Madrid, a guy I used to date. We are in friendzone state now. I poured a couple of my very personal matters to him (yeah I feel comfortable with him that way). We almost went out, alone after not seeing him for 2 years now. Madrid is someone with a lot of care and patience in him. We went for dinner, I felt at ease.

At the end of the whole thing, it was ok. And I know I have learnt and understood what it means to let go. Many have told me they have do not have attachment problem but actually failed to do it. It is not easy. But it is not impossible.

Don't give up, Aisah. Don't stop doing what you are doing.

"You have moved on and let go when you can face your past, good or bad, at ease and peacefully".


Ahmar
p.s: this is really bad writing.

Because the ugliest past can be the most beautiful thing

Journey to find inner peace eh.

I feel like my brain is working on a Homer-mode thinking on what to write. D'oh!
I was a little pressured to write something good. But I forgot that I am not a writer and my writing, well.... Lets not talk about it, shall we? I shall continue writing regardless.

I almost went berserk a couple of weeks ago thanks to the endless demands from work and personal stress.

Teary Friday that ended with a smile. Blessed I am to have my best friend (oh she's a doll), Ironman and friends who made me smile and feel better. I felt loved and peaceful - a good and the most appropriate feeling to welcome Saturday.

Saturday, a friend's solemnization. The couple had a beautiful intimate private event, witnessed by friends and family. For someone who is afraid of commitment, they showed me how beautiful it is to go through life journey in the arms of their other half. It was indeed a beautiful and memorable event I felt lucky to witnessed.

Sunday was a friend's birthday. Someone I used to date. I have a habit to not keep in touch with anyone I dated. But I guess Madrid made me see that it is fine to be friends with people we dated. We had a few exchanges - platonic exchanges. He still laugh at my antics. I asked him about his current relationship and we talked about other things. Surprisingly, I felt fine. I did not miss him, hate him etc despite we did not end it well.

And it occurred to me later in the day, while showering, that if I try hard enough to let go and forgive not only my past but myself, I see the beauty of it. Talking to Madrid gave me the realization that I thought (and posted in facebook),"Because being able to still talk to people from your past at ease shows that you have happily moved on, and of course reflects maturity."

Letting go and to forgive are fundamentals in inner peace. Simple fundamentals that are forgotten in a blink of the eye. Easily overcome by the very atom of impurity in the heart. That is some thing I really have to work on. A huge weakness pointed out by many. To have knowledge without execution is crippling. Why hold on to things when Allah said the world is but a temporary place? Didn't He taught us to believe in qada' & qadar? That everything we see are never ours to begin with? So why do I hold on to things? Reflect and ponder is a start. What should I do to execute?

Learning point: To love and redha overcomes holding back. Let go of everything, forgive myself & my past, love all around.

Should I set a deadline to change myself or take it easy?

Bubbles & Lollipops
Ahmar

First and yet non-virgin post

First and yet non-virgin post.

Indeed.

The blog address remains the same, only the contents have been reset back to square one. Reformatted. Restart. A new phase in life where bygone be bygone, adios to old sad negative rants and welcome a new breath of fresh positive, or maybe trying to be, posts.

No more whining, hopefully.
No more bitching, from a lady, I'll try.
Only about facts of life observed through these still clouded lenses and sight. Well my spectacles lenses are covered with my fingerprints now.

.
.
.
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Lenses, wiped.

And why focus on inner peace? Inner peace in my own definition is the calmness of your heart and soul. The kind that quietly shouts happiness reflected in your eyes, influential and contagious to people around you. The kind that sparks laughter in sadness and pain and gives joy when you need love the most.

Cheem eh?

It is indescribable. You just feel it. You will also feel that you are close to Allah. You don't feel alone and you do not need anything worldly because Allah is all you need.

Finding inner peace was forgotten after I started working in my current job. Life got a tad haywire. I went to Mount Kinabalu to getaway and try something different. Definitely felt peaceful. You are surrounded by nature but I was still not satisfied. That's not a good sign but I did not take heed. Until my really good friend decided to leave Singapore on search of inner peace.

That got me thinking and just by thinking, it felt right. Allah moved my heart.

As I am writing this, I am observing my fast and watching World Cup 2014 in a couple of hours. Blessed I am to be reflecting and coming to a realization this wonderful holy month. Terawih on the first week of Ramadhan did not feel enough. I started to feel emotional and confused. It was a bad sign. I decided to go to Al-Falah mosque for my break fast and terawih, I felt a little calm. Allah opened my heart. I started reading the Al-Quran out loud. There I was starting to feel peaceful.

This will be a new journey for me.
Will I be able to pace myself to sustain looking for inner peace?
Will I be astray by the whispers of syaitan?

Hope the posts will be a reminder to me.

#blessed I feel, #blessed I am

Ahmar