My Heart Aches

Dear Allah,

I am really at lost now. I really do not know how to feel and what to do.
I have a father who contradicts everything he teaches and preaches.
I have a mother who does not make any change or upgrade but whines on everything.
I have brother who does not fulfill his responsibilities as a brother at all.
I have two younger sisters. One trying to start living her own life, the other, lost in her own world, getting everyone in the family into trouble. She is another Gen Y who does not have brains, not street smart and does whatever she wants. She does not give a damn to my mom's advise, even scolding. She really thinks that she's all that. She lies so often, and comfortable lying to my mom and the whole family.

I really do not know what to do.
Everything I do is wrong.
Everything seems like there are no blessings in my life.
I am so sad that I have no one to talk to.
That is why I am talking to you. Hoping that you could send someone to help me in these hard times. I am no longer that confident girl I used to be. I am very lost.

Why are there no justice in this world anymore?

Oh Allah, please help me.

If there is anyone who could assist in facilitating me on how to solve problems, please drop me an email to nor_ahmar21@yahoo.co.uk .......

I am in need of help..

aisah

Oh my life is in such entangled distortion right now. Once again, I feel very lost. No direction of my next step. I don't seem to be able to prioritize my own needs and wants. I still got to work on my Discipline Department.

I drag to work in the morning. I missed my subuh, again. I am fasting today, insya-Allah. I feel sucky. I feel so stress. My head hurts.

My will power has gone down the drain since I started working. I guess it must be the influence around me and the change in my life. Of course, my oh-so-needed to change myself. Now that I've changed, I am whining. It has been a very very good change. Every change have some compromising.

I drag to work in the morning. I missed my subuh, again. I am fasting today, insya-Allah. I feel sucky. I feel so stress. My head hurts.

Now I do not know what I want or need. Cause it's all jumbled up like broken pieces of jigsaw puzzle. Frustrating that I can put any kind of puzzle together but not my life. It has not fallen apart. It's just that my scales are tilted. Such a typical libran. With no strong ground, I'm pretty easily influenced of what others are doing.

I drag to work in the morning. I missed my subuh, again. I am fasting today, insya-Allah. I feel sucky. I feel so stress. My head hurts.

Recently, I watched Harriet The Spy from HBO. The movie made me want to write. I watched Julie & Julia, and I want to start cooking but only very few dishes that I have tried. I see my good friend in chiffon tops, I want to start wearing chiffon-material tops. *a big sigh*

I drag to work in the morning. I missed my subuh, again. I am fasting today, insya-Allah. I feel sucky. I feel so stress. My head hurts.

Ramadhan come quick. I need that month to figure my life out.

ahmar

Ages

Ahhhh.. Duo de rosario con antonio carmona.. La cancion es El Sitio De Mi Recreo.. That song has been my lullaby to sooth my uneasy heart. That song made me miss many people, loads. Yeah, I'm playing the song over and over again.. so soothing..

Oh well.. It has been ages since I posted something here. I am trying not to post anything online now but I guess no harm once in a while.

Guess what I did not attend two of my friends' events again. I realized that either I forget these events or I choose not to go. I hate myself for a long time now. But I ain't changing meself.

I went on a date, well supposedly hang out, last Saturday. It made me realized that I really do not want to settle down or tied down. Sticking to the same person makes me feel agitated and pissed, especially if that someone is bloody clingy. But I shouldn't be worrying. I never give him hope. I have made it clear. NO! *he is not the one*

another one on my plate.. my sister is giving the whole family another problem again.. its not even a challenge anymore.. a problem.. yes, that negative.. honestly, she is such a bimbo.. she has no stand for herself, don't even know what she wanna do, just go with the flow without thinking, can't even study well.. she can only dance and make her face up.. only bimbos do that.. im so pissed.. i feel like demanding everything that ive spent on her.. those money spent on her to make her happy and give the things i can never have.. and well, thats wat she wants.. haiz.. urgh! i do not need or deserve this, bitch!

hate you so much now.. i give up on you..

ahmar

Everybody's gonna love today, love today, love WEEKEND!

It's the end of the working week for me. Mentally going through my to-do list.. Let's see.........

1) Bags (ok lah for the sake of Barca, a bag)
2) Shoes
3) DVDs
4) Sisters
5) Food
6) Cooking
7) Sleep (necesito mucho)
8) La Espanol

Alamak.. Macam a lot of things to do.. Well, at most I'll just sleep..

No, wait! I can't do that. I gotta start planning out my first ever mini biography. Not much facts I have now but I guess with what I have, I know him well enough. And we're within proximity. I can just pop-by anytime and bug with more questions. *giggles*

Oh you don't know how much I want this week to end.

Work has been fantabulously crazy this week. But it made me realized how dangerous menopause can be if ladies can't fight the hormonal tsunami. Menopause. Interesting. My mum is going through menopause. But her tsunami days are long gone. I have to face the tsunami period again with my colleague. She is strong though. Oh well, I gotta go through it someday. But for now, Ms Weekend, thank you for welcoming me early! =D

ahmar

I Gotta Feelin' Ooh Ooh

I have always wanted to write well, be it in Malay or English. I feel that writing is the best way to express myself. I can be "heard" and understood. But writing a novel? Hmmm.. My imagination is on the low right now. I think I am able to come up with the idea but I do not have the time. Yikes! To write a fantastic novel, I feel that I got to "get lost" in my own world, stimulating my dead brain to be colorfully imaginative especially with my words. I am not focusing a lot on the choice of words, rather the use of "enticing" adjectives. Quirky and funny adjectives will stimulate the readers' mind. *Not like I have many. None actually. giggles*

And so I tried, still trying though, to understand writers. Their style of writing, their use and choice of adjectives, their ideas and their thinking process. I asked around, like my mum and Guru. I was hit with so much inspiration that I thought, "Hey! Since I am better conveying facts, why not write a biography?!"

At this point of time, I am really excited to just get on with it. Well, yeap, I have found the person I have thought of writing about. Not me, duh~ Not my mum, but Guru. I googled for tips and ways to write a biography. Still looking and studying the correct ways and technic though. My aim is to write in creatively, potraying this burst of energy Guru has in him. *hehe* Nope he doesn't know.

My challenges are many. Time is of the essence here. Though Guru and I are within proximity, let's face it, I know I got tonnes of work to finish. So I will randomly ask questions from little things to major events which occured in his life. I feel that Guru has a very interesting past, present and future. May Allah bless him and his family. Now this is no. 3 Work-In-Progress.

**Reminder to Ahmar:**
1) Save tonnes of money for Barca
2) Cook once a month
3) A mini biography of Guru
4) Clase de espanol

This should keep me busy and happy. 3 out of 4 requires money. *sweating and biting fingernails*

Oh Allah, I have four worldy wishes for this year. The above are by Your will. If it happens, it happens.

ahmar

Pain Pain Pain

I am very much in pain now.

My body is aching, headache since last week and eyes strained cause of my headache. Gosh, I had a happy start to 2010 with family. Within days, I'm already in pain.

Now, there are so much to clear at work that I really cannot take it. Oh Allah, please show me to a new job with better pay. Show me the light..

Everything is happening in a flash, so suddenly, so fast, instantaneously in a blink of the eye.

I need to breathe. I need to be compensated for all these.

I am very sad.

ahmar

New Beginnings

Biographies have never failed to inspire me not only to be different and try new things, but to dare to fail. I watched Julie & Julia again yesterday afternoon. Once again, the movie inspired me to cook. The way Julia Child discover her love for food and cooking was amazing. And how Julie Powell cooked just to get away from everything and felt the assurance, was amazing too. Of course, watching them cook oh-so-passionately made me hungry. *giggles*

So I have decided to religiously start trying new dish every month.

First stop, Chicken Croquettes. I have posted the recipe at http://ahmar-loves-food.blogspot.com/ .. I created the food blog, well just because and of course for the love of food.

I shall set a deadline for myself. At the end of 2010, I must complete at least 30 new recipes. 30 sound very small but I think it is a very good start for me to go against my hectic schedule. Cooking is indeed therapeutic and I can spread my love to everyone through my food.

Well, Good Luck to me!

Next on my list is Spanish class. I am praying hard that my plans to Barca come true. I feel envious that my friend went to Barca for a business trip. How I wish that was me. I could hear the Catalans from the locals, see the different kind of tapas (food again), the night life, the beach, practice my "rusted" Spanish, go to Camp Nou!! and also, visit castles and the history of Catalina, if she were at Barca. So many things I can do there. So my investment to take up Spanish will be worthwhile should I go to Barca. No, it will not go to waste even if I do not go to Barca. It is a language that I appreciate. I can escape to my own world by listening to Spanish songs, especially flamencos and of course, David Bisbal (mi amor). *giggles*

Nothing is impossible. What I have learnt from past inventors is always give it a shot. You will never know what's in store for you.

ahmar